i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
