i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
