After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
