I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
