Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
