i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
