He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
