Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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