Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
