I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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