Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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