Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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