May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
