I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
