I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
