I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
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