Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
