Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
