I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
