i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
