Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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