The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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