My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
