So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
