I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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