I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
