You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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