God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
