Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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