Just cropdusted the office
im holly from the hills drunk
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
