one might say we're banned from that church
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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