I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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