You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
