I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
