Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
