If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
