so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Holy sore nipples Batman
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
