Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
