Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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