i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Randomize
