i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
