just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
