If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
