If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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