I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
