i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
