You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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