I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
