I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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