New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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